I DONT KNOW!
It's been a stressful week. My jaw is sore and tired from being clenched. My brain is so tired from thinking.
It's the same old stuff.
We aren't sleeping. Everyone who lives in this house is exhausted by lack of uninterrupted full night sleeping sleep. Our friends built this awesome extra room/office/space behind their house. It is really just the size of a very small room, but its well insulated. They have been taking turns sleeping out there so that one of them gets a full night's sleep. This is such an unbelievably fabulous idea.
The deer keep eating our strawberries.
My orchid is dying. I have no idea how to save it. I tried...well, I tried reading about it and got so confused that I didn't know what to do. I do not have a green thumb.
BUT...
Sis was running around the backyard trying to catch two butterflies in her hands.
The Cowboy state has super fab summer weather.
We had friends come visit for the day!
And I got to go on a solo bike ride around town.
Sis is now eating carrots. She has hated them with a passion since she was five months old.
Bubs has a book that he likes to sleep with, 'Lovebug'. Super cute.
Bubs is speaking sentences now. Clearly! And knows his colors (mostly).
I have had several good conversations (two today!) about grown up real life controversial things that make you think and are so good for me and make me feel alive
We slept in until 8freaking30 this morning!!! (that was not without the 3am wake up. But at least it was really sweet. Sis was laying in Bubs bed. They were snuggled together and she was telling him a story 'And snail. And butterflies. and snakes. and bees.' in a very calming soothing voice. Bubs answered each with an 'uh huh uh huh uh huh'. And then she started singing 'Come thou fount' which is the newest song of choice.) We are catching up on the exhaustion and that feels good.
In one of my grown up conversations this week a new friend asked if I was crafty or artsy at all. I answered truthfully, I am not. But I do really like words (even though I don't use many big ones. I still like them!) And I like to write. She asked what I wrote and I said I started a blog...I know, everyone has a blog. But this is my space to decompress and remember what's important. She asked what it was about 'just life with the kids?' And I said 'yes, but moments. I am trying to remember the moments in the midst of the chaos that is life and hold on to those' Which, I didn't know that was what I was trying to do when I said it. That happens often to me. Where I sit down to write or sit down to talk and all of a sudden words start appearing on the screen and words start pouring out and I didn't know that was how I felt...I mean I did....but I didn't. And once words have been put to something, once something is named, you can understand it. You can appreciate it. My pal Richard Louv wrote this in his book that I still have to review for you sometime 'you cannot truly appreciate it until you name it' (or something like that anyway) He was talking about nature and being able to name birds, flowers, trees, rivers, creeks, bends in the road...but I think it's true of life. Once you name the situation, once you put words to the feelings it is no longer quite so overwhelming or daunting or scary. It then has a presence you can deal with. FEAR. LOVE. HURT. ANGER.
So. I guess what I'm grateful for this week are moments. The moments listed. And the ones I've already forgotten about that gave me pause if even for a second.
I am grateful for the moments of every day that help me to remember what I'm doing and what life is about and that my little posse is actually really beautiful. The moments that break up the mundane of making peanut butter and honey sandwiches EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Smallness
Out here everything makes me feel small.
Reminds me that I am not the one in charge.
The things I have control of are actually very small, and mostly that is myself.
My small self.
It hadn't rained since May. The air is dry and especially during mid-day, hot. Our plans have never had to be postponed or cancelled because of the weather. We plan to do something and we do it. With a little more or a little less wind. With a little more or a little less clouds. But the sun is always there.
On Saturday we planned an intense adventure. I was going to run pushing Bubs and Sis who now weigh at least 60 lbs. together in the stroller 3.5 miles back out the the ranch. And then run home again. I have not run with both kids in the stroller in over a year. Once it was not a necessity anymore I stopped doing it, because its not really what I would consider fun. I have run TWICE with just Bubs. It was horrible as well. But I've been training for this half marathon and so I thought I could do it, and I needed a good workout as I wasn't going to have the time for a long run by myself.
I psyched myself up.
I got the Bubs and Sis ready.
I got myself ready.
We walked out the door. The sky was black. And it was roaring. The wind was blowing. And I got excited. It was going to storm!!! We waited outside watching the clouds move and swirl. Listening for the thunder and watching for the lightening until we felt the first drops of rain. We ran inside and within 10 seconds it was pouring. Storming. The house was dark, cool, calm, and quiet as things are during a storm. We stood at the front door and watched. Amazed at this thing so much bigger and so much stronger than us.
Eventually we turned on Finding Nemo to wait out the rain. And then we played in the swimming pool sized puddles the rain left. (which were gone by 5) Splashing, kicking, stomping, walking, and yes, trying to drink it. GROSS. But whereever there is something liquid Bubba will try to get it in his mouth. Even if he has to get down on his belly to do so.
Later that afternoon we made it out to the ranch. It took us 52 min. to go 3.5 miles. The wind was strong. And we were headed right into it. It was so strong, that not only could I NOT run, but I could barely walk. It was pushing me backwards. I think a lot of it had to do with the stroller. We were walking into the sun and the kids wanted the sun visor down, but it caught the wind. So I turned the stroller around and pulled it as I ploughed my way through the wind.
Once there we walked into the corral to meet Sissy. Sissy is Sis's favorite horse. She is white and 'beautiful and a girl!'. We walked slowly and quietly up to her. And she walked slowly to us, to meet us in the middle. She smelled our friend and Sis first, her mouth and nose on Sis's arm and then her face. It made her giggle. And then Sissy turned her head and offered her shoulder. It was acceptance. 'I know you are here to pet me, and I have checked you out and you can pet me now'. Then it was Bubba's turn to be smelled and then me. And with all of us it was the same. She smelled us so close and then accepted us.
I've never had a lot to do with horses. I didn't grow up around them. But they are such strong regal sensitive creatures. And to have this huge animal come that close to me and then accept me felt magical somehow. So different from dogs who mostly love you no matter who you are.
It felt like we had really communicated something.
Lately Sis has been getting VERY upset when Bubs is singing a song she doesn't like, or saying something she doesn't like or doing ANYTHING she doesn't like. Or when we ask Bubs to do something she feels like she needs to be the enforcer. And most of the time there is no other reason for this except she wants to be in charge. (i.e. It's not hurting her. Or he is in the other room, etc.)
We've been telling her 'Sis, you need to just worry about you. You are only in charge of you. It doesn't matter what Bubba is or is not doing. You take care of yourself'
And as I reflect on the smallness that I feel before the mountains, and the smallness I feel in the face of a storm, and the smallness I feel in the face of a large, strong animal I realize this is true of myself as well.
I am not in charge of anyone or anything else except myself.
I'm so over being in a two bedroom. Everyone says the kids will get used to sharing. MINE DO NOT! They are becoming worse and WORSE sleepers (they were FAB sleepers when they had their own rooms). But I cannot control this.
I can only control me, and my reaction to my 'so-over-it' feelings.
So again today I will choose to be grateful for this place and for its backyard, and its proximity to town and to a park, and that we have an HE washer and dryer! And that it causes us to reexamine our lives almost daily. We only have 800 sq feet. It doesn't take much to feel cramped. What else do we really not need? What could we do with out so we have a little more breathing room?
I recognize this is a daily thing. Everyday I can wake up and choose to grumble about it or choose to accept it and be grateful for it.
At least for today, I let go of the frustrations and hold onto the blessings.
Reminds me that I am not the one in charge.
The things I have control of are actually very small, and mostly that is myself.
My small self.
It hadn't rained since May. The air is dry and especially during mid-day, hot. Our plans have never had to be postponed or cancelled because of the weather. We plan to do something and we do it. With a little more or a little less wind. With a little more or a little less clouds. But the sun is always there.
On Saturday we planned an intense adventure. I was going to run pushing Bubs and Sis who now weigh at least 60 lbs. together in the stroller 3.5 miles back out the the ranch. And then run home again. I have not run with both kids in the stroller in over a year. Once it was not a necessity anymore I stopped doing it, because its not really what I would consider fun. I have run TWICE with just Bubs. It was horrible as well. But I've been training for this half marathon and so I thought I could do it, and I needed a good workout as I wasn't going to have the time for a long run by myself.
I psyched myself up.
I got the Bubs and Sis ready.
I got myself ready.
We walked out the door. The sky was black. And it was roaring. The wind was blowing. And I got excited. It was going to storm!!! We waited outside watching the clouds move and swirl. Listening for the thunder and watching for the lightening until we felt the first drops of rain. We ran inside and within 10 seconds it was pouring. Storming. The house was dark, cool, calm, and quiet as things are during a storm. We stood at the front door and watched. Amazed at this thing so much bigger and so much stronger than us.
Eventually we turned on Finding Nemo to wait out the rain. And then we played in the swimming pool sized puddles the rain left. (which were gone by 5) Splashing, kicking, stomping, walking, and yes, trying to drink it. GROSS. But whereever there is something liquid Bubba will try to get it in his mouth. Even if he has to get down on his belly to do so.
Later that afternoon we made it out to the ranch. It took us 52 min. to go 3.5 miles. The wind was strong. And we were headed right into it. It was so strong, that not only could I NOT run, but I could barely walk. It was pushing me backwards. I think a lot of it had to do with the stroller. We were walking into the sun and the kids wanted the sun visor down, but it caught the wind. So I turned the stroller around and pulled it as I ploughed my way through the wind.
Once there we walked into the corral to meet Sissy. Sissy is Sis's favorite horse. She is white and 'beautiful and a girl!'. We walked slowly and quietly up to her. And she walked slowly to us, to meet us in the middle. She smelled our friend and Sis first, her mouth and nose on Sis's arm and then her face. It made her giggle. And then Sissy turned her head and offered her shoulder. It was acceptance. 'I know you are here to pet me, and I have checked you out and you can pet me now'. Then it was Bubba's turn to be smelled and then me. And with all of us it was the same. She smelled us so close and then accepted us.
I've never had a lot to do with horses. I didn't grow up around them. But they are such strong regal sensitive creatures. And to have this huge animal come that close to me and then accept me felt magical somehow. So different from dogs who mostly love you no matter who you are.
It felt like we had really communicated something.
Lately Sis has been getting VERY upset when Bubs is singing a song she doesn't like, or saying something she doesn't like or doing ANYTHING she doesn't like. Or when we ask Bubs to do something she feels like she needs to be the enforcer. And most of the time there is no other reason for this except she wants to be in charge. (i.e. It's not hurting her. Or he is in the other room, etc.)
We've been telling her 'Sis, you need to just worry about you. You are only in charge of you. It doesn't matter what Bubba is or is not doing. You take care of yourself'
And as I reflect on the smallness that I feel before the mountains, and the smallness I feel in the face of a storm, and the smallness I feel in the face of a large, strong animal I realize this is true of myself as well.
I am not in charge of anyone or anything else except myself.
I'm so over being in a two bedroom. Everyone says the kids will get used to sharing. MINE DO NOT! They are becoming worse and WORSE sleepers (they were FAB sleepers when they had their own rooms). But I cannot control this.
I can only control me, and my reaction to my 'so-over-it' feelings.
So again today I will choose to be grateful for this place and for its backyard, and its proximity to town and to a park, and that we have an HE washer and dryer! And that it causes us to reexamine our lives almost daily. We only have 800 sq feet. It doesn't take much to feel cramped. What else do we really not need? What could we do with out so we have a little more breathing room?
I recognize this is a daily thing. Everyday I can wake up and choose to grumble about it or choose to accept it and be grateful for it.
At least for today, I let go of the frustrations and hold onto the blessings.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Family
I've been absentee blogger for the past two weeks for good reasons.
1. Brad and I got to go on an out of town overnight date! A friend of ours offered to watch our kids for us so we could drive to Jackson Hole (3 hours) and have dinner and see Ryan Bingham perform. You should probably look him up, Crazy Heart is my favorite and the song (slash movie) that introduced us to his amazing vocals.
It was so fun. We stopped at the place, Antelope Flatts, where Brad first told me he loved me. We hadn't been to that place since. And we had dinner and we walked and window shopped, because we absolutely do not make the kind of money that is required to purchase anything in Jackson. But we did hit up the thrift store...where we found a few good deals.
And then we went to the show. SO.GOOD. We were totally entertained. And have been listening to Ryan B. quite a bit since we got home...but it's just not quite as good as it was live.
2. In-laws came to visit!
They were here for a week and totally spoiled us. AWESOME. We found some old barn wood at a consignment store in town that we plan to make some sort of shelves out of. We found a mirror with hooks that Brad liked and I said 'As long as we paint it' and it then turned into the DIY project of the week with everyone helping out in some way to get the mirror from drab to fab (ha!) it is now teal and distressed instead of blonde wood not-distressed. Love it. They brought us pallets and took us to Sprouts, a nursery in town, and loaded us up with strawberries, peppers, basil, cilantro, oregano, flowers, etc in a super cute Pintrest-inspired pallet garden. Sis loves it. Bubs apparently loves it as well as he was found sneaking a bite out of a not-quite ripe strawberry while watering this morning.
They 'took us' (but we drove our car) up to see the Tetons, have lunch, walk around, enjoy being in such a beautiful place, and have dinner at the Lava Mountain Lodge on the way home. It's a little lodge that is in a perfect place because there is literally NOTHING around for miles.
The kids got a lot of great new toys and clothes, a different 'prise! everyday.
It was a lot of fun. But very busy. They left on Friday morning and I think we are just now starting to recover :)
3. Bubs and Sis got fevers and strange bumps and a visit to the doctor. Hand foot and mouth disease. Gross and also not pleasant for everyone. We are still recovering.
4. Father's day!!!
We dont' do 'days' around here. We do weekends. It was Father's day weekend. Steak, a fire pit, movie, hike up to the Popo Agie waterfall (This is NOT pronounced how it looks). It was full and fun.
And now Brad is working days and I feel such a sense of relief to be on the same schedule!!
5. Sis has stopped taking naps. We are trying to figure this out, what does 'rest time' look like at our house.
Things are starting to settle back down from all the excitement. Maybe now I'll have time to write that review of 'Last Child in the Woods' .....
PS Dad,
I couldn't have had a better one than you. You have loved me, encouraged and supported me well.
I miss you!
1. Brad and I got to go on an out of town overnight date! A friend of ours offered to watch our kids for us so we could drive to Jackson Hole (3 hours) and have dinner and see Ryan Bingham perform. You should probably look him up, Crazy Heart is my favorite and the song (slash movie) that introduced us to his amazing vocals.
It was so fun. We stopped at the place, Antelope Flatts, where Brad first told me he loved me. We hadn't been to that place since. And we had dinner and we walked and window shopped, because we absolutely do not make the kind of money that is required to purchase anything in Jackson. But we did hit up the thrift store...where we found a few good deals.
And then we went to the show. SO.GOOD. We were totally entertained. And have been listening to Ryan B. quite a bit since we got home...but it's just not quite as good as it was live.
2. In-laws came to visit!
They were here for a week and totally spoiled us. AWESOME. We found some old barn wood at a consignment store in town that we plan to make some sort of shelves out of. We found a mirror with hooks that Brad liked and I said 'As long as we paint it' and it then turned into the DIY project of the week with everyone helping out in some way to get the mirror from drab to fab (ha!) it is now teal and distressed instead of blonde wood not-distressed. Love it. They brought us pallets and took us to Sprouts, a nursery in town, and loaded us up with strawberries, peppers, basil, cilantro, oregano, flowers, etc in a super cute Pintrest-inspired pallet garden. Sis loves it. Bubs apparently loves it as well as he was found sneaking a bite out of a not-quite ripe strawberry while watering this morning.
They 'took us' (but we drove our car) up to see the Tetons, have lunch, walk around, enjoy being in such a beautiful place, and have dinner at the Lava Mountain Lodge on the way home. It's a little lodge that is in a perfect place because there is literally NOTHING around for miles.
The kids got a lot of great new toys and clothes, a different 'prise! everyday.
It was a lot of fun. But very busy. They left on Friday morning and I think we are just now starting to recover :)
 |
| The new dress Grandma made for Sis |
 |
| Planting the pallet garden |
 |
| DIY mirror. I don't know how to take a picture of a mirror without getting myself in it. ugh. |
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| Grandma reupholstered HER rocking chair and gave it to Sis last year. This year Bubs got his own! |
3. Bubs and Sis got fevers and strange bumps and a visit to the doctor. Hand foot and mouth disease. Gross and also not pleasant for everyone. We are still recovering.
4. Father's day!!!
We dont' do 'days' around here. We do weekends. It was Father's day weekend. Steak, a fire pit, movie, hike up to the Popo Agie waterfall (This is NOT pronounced how it looks). It was full and fun.
And now Brad is working days and I feel such a sense of relief to be on the same schedule!!
Things are starting to settle back down from all the excitement. Maybe now I'll have time to write that review of 'Last Child in the Woods' .....
PS Dad,
I couldn't have had a better one than you. You have loved me, encouraged and supported me well.
I miss you!
Monday, June 3, 2013
This week I am grateful for...
my daughter.
There is a famous social experiment involving 4 year olds and marshmallows. They leave the kids in a room with a marshmallow on the table. If they can wait 15 minutes for the researcher to get back they can have two marshmallows instead of just the one. They found that the kids who could wait (usually by distracting themselves: looking around the room, singing a song, etc.) were somehow 'more successful' in their adult lives.
I'm not really sure what their criteria for 'more successful' were, but I do know that every time I have read about this study I have wondered what kind of kid I would have been. Sometimes I'm SURE I could have waited and most of the time I feel like that would have been an impossible task.
Today I was so pleasantly surprised to see my daughter 'wait for the second marshmallow'. I didn't even know it was happening at first. And then I realized it, and I was shocked. And so proud of her.
We were at the park. With her friends. They had been running and climbing and swinging and sliding. It was getting close to 11 and the kids started asking for snacks. We aren't big snackers because my kids don't eat good meals when they snack, but I've been trying to bring snacks to the park because our friends always do and we end up eating all their snacks...so I brought apples. Sis was half way through her apple when our friends broke out the fruit snacks and said there was enough.for.everyone! Immediately she started asking for some and I told her that she needed to finish her apple first. I was pretty sure she would get tired of the apple before she finished it and rejoin her friends (who had inhaled their fruit snacks). But she sat down right in front of me and slowly but surely finished her whole apple. She didn't say a word, or move a muscle (other than her arm and her jaw) while she was eating it. And as soon as she was done she turned around so calmly and said 'Momma, I have my fruit snack now?'
This girl is INTENSE. She knows what she wants. She FEELS things. Everything. Deeply. She is creative and competitive. She loves to see beauty. She is sensitive to her sleep and how full (or empty) her stomach is. Most of the time we have no idea what we are doing with her (how to mold such intensity to grow in a positive direction?!), and the rest of the time we are exhausted by the force of her 2 year old emotions.
But today. As she sat down with determination to eat her apple, I realized. YES! This girl DOES know what she wants (in the case it was fruit snacks) and she is willing to do the work that it takes to get it.
I'm proud of her for waiting, patiently. I'm proud of her for listening to my instruction. I'm proud of her for working hard for something she wanted without throwing a fit. She should me so much growth and maturity in those five minutes it took her to eat her apple!
And it is so fun to see her learning about life day after day.
There is a famous social experiment involving 4 year olds and marshmallows. They leave the kids in a room with a marshmallow on the table. If they can wait 15 minutes for the researcher to get back they can have two marshmallows instead of just the one. They found that the kids who could wait (usually by distracting themselves: looking around the room, singing a song, etc.) were somehow 'more successful' in their adult lives.
I'm not really sure what their criteria for 'more successful' were, but I do know that every time I have read about this study I have wondered what kind of kid I would have been. Sometimes I'm SURE I could have waited and most of the time I feel like that would have been an impossible task.
Today I was so pleasantly surprised to see my daughter 'wait for the second marshmallow'. I didn't even know it was happening at first. And then I realized it, and I was shocked. And so proud of her.
We were at the park. With her friends. They had been running and climbing and swinging and sliding. It was getting close to 11 and the kids started asking for snacks. We aren't big snackers because my kids don't eat good meals when they snack, but I've been trying to bring snacks to the park because our friends always do and we end up eating all their snacks...so I brought apples. Sis was half way through her apple when our friends broke out the fruit snacks and said there was enough.for.everyone! Immediately she started asking for some and I told her that she needed to finish her apple first. I was pretty sure she would get tired of the apple before she finished it and rejoin her friends (who had inhaled their fruit snacks). But she sat down right in front of me and slowly but surely finished her whole apple. She didn't say a word, or move a muscle (other than her arm and her jaw) while she was eating it. And as soon as she was done she turned around so calmly and said 'Momma, I have my fruit snack now?'
This girl is INTENSE. She knows what she wants. She FEELS things. Everything. Deeply. She is creative and competitive. She loves to see beauty. She is sensitive to her sleep and how full (or empty) her stomach is. Most of the time we have no idea what we are doing with her (how to mold such intensity to grow in a positive direction?!), and the rest of the time we are exhausted by the force of her 2 year old emotions.
But today. As she sat down with determination to eat her apple, I realized. YES! This girl DOES know what she wants (in the case it was fruit snacks) and she is willing to do the work that it takes to get it.
I'm proud of her for waiting, patiently. I'm proud of her for listening to my instruction. I'm proud of her for working hard for something she wanted without throwing a fit. She should me so much growth and maturity in those five minutes it took her to eat her apple!
And it is so fun to see her learning about life day after day.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Backyards and mountains and oceans and adventures...
I grew up in a typical mid-western college town. I lived in a neighborhood. We didn't own any land. Our backyard steeply dropped off, i.e. we didn't have much of one. We were lucky enough to be on a corner, but otherwise all you could see in all directions was houses. We were on the edge of town, so a quick walk lended itself to pasture and pasture and pasture with a creek at the end of all that pasture. And corn fields after the creek.
What I remember my dad saying most about my teenage years and my chosen activities was 'Why don't you guys DO something?!!!!' He was always exasperated by our un-creativeness (?) and our desire (need?) to just watch movies. Most phone calls (yes, to the shared landline... we didn't all have cell phones back then) went something like this
rrrrrriiinnnngggggggg
My dad 'hello!!'
Any of my friends 'Is Ami there?'
My dad 'Yep.'
SILENCE
Friend 'ummmm....Can I talk to her?'
My dad 'OHHHH!!! If that's what you wanted why didn't you say so. (Big laugh) She's right here'
(sometimes, to my friends he knew better, particularly my cousin who I spent almost all my time with, he would actually hang up after answering that I was in fact 'there')
Me (rolling my eyes) 'Hello?! Sorry about my dad.'
Friend 'he's funny! What are you doing later? Want to hang out?'
Me 'he's not really. Sure. What do you want to do?'
Friend 'Come over and watch a movie? I'm also calling (name 5 other people) Do you want to call some?'
And that was what we did. At least a few times a week. It was really quite boring, even though we watched some good ones. And of course, I can't remember any of them. (obviously, really good)
But the thing is, we had fantastic, creative, outdoor, not much TV watching childhoods. I'm not sure when the need to just sit down and pretend like we were cool and knew everything about everything came.
Maybe it was the shock of adulthood coming on. The jobs, all the homework, all the drama of being in high school. Something was blocking the ability to PLAY. To get lost, to wonder, to dream and imagine...
Is this something other teenagers dealt with? Or were we weird? Not to say we never did stuff. Because we did. But not like before. We didn't have adventures...
The backyard I mentioned before did end abruptly, but for several years (before they built a house there) it ended abruptly into the 'woods'. It wasn't really a forest. It was a clump or trees and bushes and undergrowth in a vacant lot in between two houses. But to me, to my brother it was the woods. There was a small clearing in the middle of the woods. It was magical really, how there could be NOTHING growing in the middle of this 'dense' grouping of trees. It was dirt. In the spring, I don't even remember weeds growing up. Whatever else it was, it was perfect. Perfect for the Boxcar Children. Yes. Absolutely. I was Jesse. I was in charge. I was the oldest (girl). I knew how to take care of everyone. I swept that dirt floor with my tree branches like my life depended on it. I snuck cups and spoons out of the house so we could pretend to be the famed orphans. Their life was so different from mine. It was exciting.
I would go out there and be lost. For hours. I was somewhere else. I was someone else. Before I had anything I wanted to escape from. I went out and created a whole new world for myself. Or we created it if I was with my brother or cousin. It was a special, sacred spot. Good thinking went on there. Pretend hunting/exploring/searching for treasure went on there. Every tree was amazing and had hundreds of uses. Watching the season change was like walking into a new forest four times a year.
When we were 12, my cousin and I decided to be explorers. All our friends pretty much lived in one neighborhood that was about 2.5 miles from mine and we wanted to walk. The road was busy and dangerous so we decided to cut through the fields. We bushwacked our way. It took us HOURS. We crossed streams, lovely tall grass pastures, thorn thickets, dense trees, and a few neighborhood streets. (I later drew a map) We stopped off at a woman's house we knew well, she had taught us Sunday School, for some water when we were half way.
We got to our friends just in time for it to be late afternoon, and for us to be starving and the most tired we could remember feeling in a long time. I mostly remember laying on our friends driveway, arms and legs splayed out, feeling marvelous. We did it!
It didn't take long for us to call our parents and have them come get us. We were NOT walking back. We never did it again.
But it was such a fabulous experience. The wonder of seeing something new. Something you feel like no one has ever seen or charted before. The thrill of that kind of independence. My dad of course was thrilled that we were doing something! He was advocate of activity even before the dreaded teenage years hit.
A few times we walked by all that pasture (on the road this time) down to the creek. We sat, and threw rocks, and talked, and were experience something 'larger and longer standing than [our] own immediate human existence.'
Being outside is the place that I have always felt most at peace and most confident in myself. My parents have their confused faces on right now, I'm sure because I pitched a HUGE fit about all the camping we did as a pre-teen and teenager. Looking back, though, I don't think it was the camping that bothered me so much. It was doing something my friends didn't do (because they didn't!) and I dont' remember doing it before it was 'uncool'. (Also, I HATE packing and unpacking. There was a lot of that involved) I have some good memories from going. Like the time my dad and brother decided to play in the river a little longer after it had started raining so my mom and I walked back and waited for HOURS for them to come back. Turns out they had the time of their lives and also got struck by lighting while my mom and I thought they were dead.
But, really, as a kid, outside, in nature, usually by myself is where I learned who I was. Or who I wanted to be. How strong I could be. How strong I wanted to be. How creative I was. What my dreams were (run an orphanage and adopt 15 babies. Live in the French countryside. Open a cafe in Boston called Spilt Milk with my cousin.) How small I was.
And not just the Missouri outdoors, seeing the mountains for the first time was breathtaking. Literally. How could something be SO big? My cousins and I found a rock one year nearby a cabin we were staying in, we named it Humphrey. Humphrey had a little ledge that was a perfect bench for the three of us. We sat up there for what seemed like hours everyday. I tried to read, but was mostly captivated by the beauty and the peace that surrounded us. And even though I've been going to the ocean since we had a blue Toyota station wagon in the 80's it still amazes me. It's vastness. The roar of waves. The rhythmic way they rise and crest and crash. I get lost in my smallness. And the peace. The calm.
Life is messy. It's stressful. It's heartbreaking, spirit crushing. People let you down, you let people down. People don't believe in you. People misunderstand you. And sometimes in all that mess I forget who I am. That I am strong. That I have worth.
It's been particularly messy for me lately. My heart hurts.
But then.
I go outside. I take my posse and head to the mountains. We hike and climb. We feel the wind and taste the dirt. The sun burns us. Our senses are engaged watching for tracks, for birds, fields of wildflowers. And that little girl returns to me. The girl that is still inside me. The one that knows who she is. The one who knows she has worth and is loved and that she loves. The one who is creative. The one who is strong. The one who is AMAZED.
I feel it even in the backyard when a bird lands in front of me and makes eye contact before flying away again. And when a fawn tiptoes around me. When a squirrel and a bird are fighting on a telephone line with the smell of lilac being carried on the breeze.
This is it.
This is life.
To be amazed. To wonder. At 'something larger and longer standing than [our] own immediate human existence.'
It's healing.
Life feels better outside.
*quote from 'Last Child in the Woods' Richard Louv pg 296. I finished it. It was fantastic. Book review later.
What I remember my dad saying most about my teenage years and my chosen activities was 'Why don't you guys DO something?!!!!' He was always exasperated by our un-creativeness (?) and our desire (need?) to just watch movies. Most phone calls (yes, to the shared landline... we didn't all have cell phones back then) went something like this
rrrrrriiinnnngggggggg
My dad 'hello!!'
Any of my friends 'Is Ami there?'
My dad 'Yep.'
SILENCE
Friend 'ummmm....Can I talk to her?'
My dad 'OHHHH!!! If that's what you wanted why didn't you say so. (Big laugh) She's right here'
(sometimes, to my friends he knew better, particularly my cousin who I spent almost all my time with, he would actually hang up after answering that I was in fact 'there')
Me (rolling my eyes) 'Hello?! Sorry about my dad.'
Friend 'he's funny! What are you doing later? Want to hang out?'
Me 'he's not really. Sure. What do you want to do?'
Friend 'Come over and watch a movie? I'm also calling (name 5 other people) Do you want to call some?'
And that was what we did. At least a few times a week. It was really quite boring, even though we watched some good ones. And of course, I can't remember any of them. (obviously, really good)
But the thing is, we had fantastic, creative, outdoor, not much TV watching childhoods. I'm not sure when the need to just sit down and pretend like we were cool and knew everything about everything came.
Maybe it was the shock of adulthood coming on. The jobs, all the homework, all the drama of being in high school. Something was blocking the ability to PLAY. To get lost, to wonder, to dream and imagine...
Is this something other teenagers dealt with? Or were we weird? Not to say we never did stuff. Because we did. But not like before. We didn't have adventures...
The backyard I mentioned before did end abruptly, but for several years (before they built a house there) it ended abruptly into the 'woods'. It wasn't really a forest. It was a clump or trees and bushes and undergrowth in a vacant lot in between two houses. But to me, to my brother it was the woods. There was a small clearing in the middle of the woods. It was magical really, how there could be NOTHING growing in the middle of this 'dense' grouping of trees. It was dirt. In the spring, I don't even remember weeds growing up. Whatever else it was, it was perfect. Perfect for the Boxcar Children. Yes. Absolutely. I was Jesse. I was in charge. I was the oldest (girl). I knew how to take care of everyone. I swept that dirt floor with my tree branches like my life depended on it. I snuck cups and spoons out of the house so we could pretend to be the famed orphans. Their life was so different from mine. It was exciting.
I would go out there and be lost. For hours. I was somewhere else. I was someone else. Before I had anything I wanted to escape from. I went out and created a whole new world for myself. Or we created it if I was with my brother or cousin. It was a special, sacred spot. Good thinking went on there. Pretend hunting/exploring/searching for treasure went on there. Every tree was amazing and had hundreds of uses. Watching the season change was like walking into a new forest four times a year.
When we were 12, my cousin and I decided to be explorers. All our friends pretty much lived in one neighborhood that was about 2.5 miles from mine and we wanted to walk. The road was busy and dangerous so we decided to cut through the fields. We bushwacked our way. It took us HOURS. We crossed streams, lovely tall grass pastures, thorn thickets, dense trees, and a few neighborhood streets. (I later drew a map) We stopped off at a woman's house we knew well, she had taught us Sunday School, for some water when we were half way.
We got to our friends just in time for it to be late afternoon, and for us to be starving and the most tired we could remember feeling in a long time. I mostly remember laying on our friends driveway, arms and legs splayed out, feeling marvelous. We did it!
It didn't take long for us to call our parents and have them come get us. We were NOT walking back. We never did it again.
But it was such a fabulous experience. The wonder of seeing something new. Something you feel like no one has ever seen or charted before. The thrill of that kind of independence. My dad of course was thrilled that we were doing something! He was advocate of activity even before the dreaded teenage years hit.
A few times we walked by all that pasture (on the road this time) down to the creek. We sat, and threw rocks, and talked, and were experience something 'larger and longer standing than [our] own immediate human existence.'
Being outside is the place that I have always felt most at peace and most confident in myself. My parents have their confused faces on right now, I'm sure because I pitched a HUGE fit about all the camping we did as a pre-teen and teenager. Looking back, though, I don't think it was the camping that bothered me so much. It was doing something my friends didn't do (because they didn't!) and I dont' remember doing it before it was 'uncool'. (Also, I HATE packing and unpacking. There was a lot of that involved) I have some good memories from going. Like the time my dad and brother decided to play in the river a little longer after it had started raining so my mom and I walked back and waited for HOURS for them to come back. Turns out they had the time of their lives and also got struck by lighting while my mom and I thought they were dead.
But, really, as a kid, outside, in nature, usually by myself is where I learned who I was. Or who I wanted to be. How strong I could be. How strong I wanted to be. How creative I was. What my dreams were (run an orphanage and adopt 15 babies. Live in the French countryside. Open a cafe in Boston called Spilt Milk with my cousin.) How small I was.
And not just the Missouri outdoors, seeing the mountains for the first time was breathtaking. Literally. How could something be SO big? My cousins and I found a rock one year nearby a cabin we were staying in, we named it Humphrey. Humphrey had a little ledge that was a perfect bench for the three of us. We sat up there for what seemed like hours everyday. I tried to read, but was mostly captivated by the beauty and the peace that surrounded us. And even though I've been going to the ocean since we had a blue Toyota station wagon in the 80's it still amazes me. It's vastness. The roar of waves. The rhythmic way they rise and crest and crash. I get lost in my smallness. And the peace. The calm.
Life is messy. It's stressful. It's heartbreaking, spirit crushing. People let you down, you let people down. People don't believe in you. People misunderstand you. And sometimes in all that mess I forget who I am. That I am strong. That I have worth.
It's been particularly messy for me lately. My heart hurts.
But then.
I go outside. I take my posse and head to the mountains. We hike and climb. We feel the wind and taste the dirt. The sun burns us. Our senses are engaged watching for tracks, for birds, fields of wildflowers. And that little girl returns to me. The girl that is still inside me. The one that knows who she is. The one who knows she has worth and is loved and that she loves. The one who is creative. The one who is strong. The one who is AMAZED.
I feel it even in the backyard when a bird lands in front of me and makes eye contact before flying away again. And when a fawn tiptoes around me. When a squirrel and a bird are fighting on a telephone line with the smell of lilac being carried on the breeze.
This is it.
This is life.
To be amazed. To wonder. At 'something larger and longer standing than [our] own immediate human existence.'
It's healing.
Life feels better outside.
*quote from 'Last Child in the Woods' Richard Louv pg 296. I finished it. It was fantastic. Book review later.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
This week I am grateful for...
my husband.
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The past two years have found us on different schedules for most of the time, dealing with our own very real but very different stresses. It's been (and sometimes still is) so hard to see where the other is coming from. But while this could have very easily pulled us apart, we somehow keep coming back to each other.
I don't know what it is. At the end of the day, we each just want to be with each other. Regardless of what was said or done. Or not said. Or not done.
We still talk to each other, even if it's less frequent now that it used to be. And not just about the weather or how Sis or Bubs {insert funny or annoying thing here}. Talk about what we've been reading or watching or listening to, what we have been thinking about and conversations we've had. The kind of talking you do with someone you trust.
He is my best friend. He affirms me. Even though a lot of times, the way he knows how is not the way that I receive it best and vice versa. (We do not speak the same 'love language')
But when I see a note taped to a ring pop hiding in the cabinet that says 'I'd ask you again' or the orchid he got me for mother's day, or the shoes I wanted that he ordered without telling me and then made up a story he knew would make me mad so that I wouldn't see it coming, I know he loves me.
I am so proud of how hard he has worked for himself and for us. We aren't out of the woods yet. Getting a day job (that pays less boo!) in two weeks (!!!!!!!!!!) is a big start. At least we will be on the same schedule for the first time in two years. And I can't wait to experience again in all the wonderful details who this guy is!
He is so funny. And so witty.
And loyal.
And creative.
And he is always doing the 'right' thing even when that is scary or awkward.
And he is so good at hosting people.
And good at reading people.
And good at being real and honest especially when it's really hard to say 'this is what is really going on...'
And supporting me in whatever ventures I take on (except this one. I'm pretty sure he isn't reading this...) cloth diapers, breastfeeding, natural childbirth with a doula (who is our friend!), running a half marathon, baking bread, starting two book clubs, studying French...I think the only thing (besides this blog) he doesn't support me on is how many documentaries I watch. ha!
I love him. I am grateful he was brought into my life. I am grateful he is still in my life. And I will be even more grateful in two weeks when we actually get to hang out again!!!!!!
What are you grateful for this week?
.jpg)
The past two years have found us on different schedules for most of the time, dealing with our own very real but very different stresses. It's been (and sometimes still is) so hard to see where the other is coming from. But while this could have very easily pulled us apart, we somehow keep coming back to each other.
I don't know what it is. At the end of the day, we each just want to be with each other. Regardless of what was said or done. Or not said. Or not done.
We still talk to each other, even if it's less frequent now that it used to be. And not just about the weather or how Sis or Bubs {insert funny or annoying thing here}. Talk about what we've been reading or watching or listening to, what we have been thinking about and conversations we've had. The kind of talking you do with someone you trust.
He is my best friend. He affirms me. Even though a lot of times, the way he knows how is not the way that I receive it best and vice versa. (We do not speak the same 'love language')
But when I see a note taped to a ring pop hiding in the cabinet that says 'I'd ask you again' or the orchid he got me for mother's day, or the shoes I wanted that he ordered without telling me and then made up a story he knew would make me mad so that I wouldn't see it coming, I know he loves me.
I am so proud of how hard he has worked for himself and for us. We aren't out of the woods yet. Getting a day job (that pays less boo!) in two weeks (!!!!!!!!!!) is a big start. At least we will be on the same schedule for the first time in two years. And I can't wait to experience again in all the wonderful details who this guy is!
He is so funny. And so witty.
And loyal.
And creative.
And he is always doing the 'right' thing even when that is scary or awkward.
And he is so good at hosting people.
And good at reading people.
And good at being real and honest especially when it's really hard to say 'this is what is really going on...'
And supporting me in whatever ventures I take on (except this one. I'm pretty sure he isn't reading this...) cloth diapers, breastfeeding, natural childbirth with a doula (who is our friend!), running a half marathon, baking bread, starting two book clubs, studying French...I think the only thing (besides this blog) he doesn't support me on is how many documentaries I watch. ha!
I love him. I am grateful he was brought into my life. I am grateful he is still in my life. And I will be even more grateful in two weeks when we actually get to hang out again!!!!!!
What are you grateful for this week?
Friday, May 24, 2013
Deer (do I mean singular or plural?!)
I don't even know where to start today.
So many stories.
Do you want to hear about all the poop? Or how about the herd of cattle we ran into hiking? Or the fawn who tried to tip toe past me as I was reading? Or Ole MacDonald?
I'll start with the deer.
We have a family of deer that lives-ish in our backyard. We see them regularly. They are not really afraid of us, and we welcome their company. They nap in our yard most every afternoon, or at least just on the other side of the fence. They graze all morning long back there and can often be seen in the evening just hanging out. There is a new fawn that joined their ranks this spring. S/he is still a little wobbly on its legs and at times seems much more fearless than the others and at other times seems much more scared (of us that is).
This evening I was sitting on the back patio reading a book called 'Last Child in the Woods'. (Non-fiction. About how we are all experiencing this disconnect from natureI'm only 60 pages in and I'm super fascinated. Full book review later.) I thought it would be appropriate to read a book about the outdoors, outdoors. I heard a rustling behind me and as I glanced towards our gorgeous wonderful-smelling lilac bushes I saw the fawn. She look more startled than me! She didn't move. And I just slowly turned my head back to my book. She stood for a moment, and then tip-toed around the one big tree in our yard and peered at me from behind the trunk. I didn't know animals could tip-toe. This deer was tip-toeing. Seriously. Her whole body was trying to make herself as small and as quiet as possible. We just watched each other for a long time. I sat totally still, hardly breathing, trying to send her calm vibes 'you are welcome here! you dont' need to be afraid back here!' It was this beautiful peaceful moment. She continued to tip toe back and forth across the yard for a few more minutes until she finally jumped the fence. I was in the middle of a chapter on how nature calms and soothes us. Experiencing nature with all of our senses lowers blood pressure, soothes anxiety, makes us healthier. Coincidence?!
Moving on....
We found a new place to hike! Sis, Bubs, and I went out this morning to check it out. These kids LOVE to be outside. They love hiking. They love looking at/smelling/trying to pick-while-momma-is-not-looking-flowers. They love rocks. They love running. They love the sunshine. And so do I.
We were walking along a wide open space, so we all walked at our own pace. No need to stay together. Bubs likes to run for awhile and then something like an ant catches his attention and he stops and watches it for awhile saying 'Ant ant ant ant ant' and then finds a rock and tries to pick it up and, usually succeeds no matter the rock is the same size as he is, saying 'BIG BIG BIG rock rock!' He eventually stands up and keeps on running swinging his arms saying 'hike-ing HIKE-ing hike-ing'. He is absolutely happiest when he is outside.
The cows are all in open range now. I know this, I've seen them. We have had to drive along the highway at a crawl because the cows were crossing and grazing along the road. But yet it still surprised me when after Sis had been saying she heard cows, I looked to the left and THERE WAS A COW. 100 feet from us. SO close! And then we heard some pounding hooves and looked to the right and there was another cow running down the hill, thankfully not in our direction. We said hello to the cow and watched it, as it watched us and then we both moved on. We tried to keep out of the cows way. We got to the top of the last hill before descending back down to our car and heard some more moo-ing. We kept walking talking about the cows, and what they say and before too long we notice ALOT of cows up on the ridge of the hill we had just come from. Several calves were in the herd. I started counting. I got to 18 before I wasn't sure what cows I had or hadn't counted yet. They took their time walking across the ridge and we just stood and watch them. Some of them bounded like they thought they were deer, some just mosied.
That seems like enough story for today...
So many stories.
Do you want to hear about all the poop? Or how about the herd of cattle we ran into hiking? Or the fawn who tried to tip toe past me as I was reading? Or Ole MacDonald?
I'll start with the deer.
We have a family of deer that lives-ish in our backyard. We see them regularly. They are not really afraid of us, and we welcome their company. They nap in our yard most every afternoon, or at least just on the other side of the fence. They graze all morning long back there and can often be seen in the evening just hanging out. There is a new fawn that joined their ranks this spring. S/he is still a little wobbly on its legs and at times seems much more fearless than the others and at other times seems much more scared (of us that is).
This evening I was sitting on the back patio reading a book called 'Last Child in the Woods'. (Non-fiction. About how we are all experiencing this disconnect from natureI'm only 60 pages in and I'm super fascinated. Full book review later.) I thought it would be appropriate to read a book about the outdoors, outdoors. I heard a rustling behind me and as I glanced towards our gorgeous wonderful-smelling lilac bushes I saw the fawn. She look more startled than me! She didn't move. And I just slowly turned my head back to my book. She stood for a moment, and then tip-toed around the one big tree in our yard and peered at me from behind the trunk. I didn't know animals could tip-toe. This deer was tip-toeing. Seriously. Her whole body was trying to make herself as small and as quiet as possible. We just watched each other for a long time. I sat totally still, hardly breathing, trying to send her calm vibes 'you are welcome here! you dont' need to be afraid back here!' It was this beautiful peaceful moment. She continued to tip toe back and forth across the yard for a few more minutes until she finally jumped the fence. I was in the middle of a chapter on how nature calms and soothes us. Experiencing nature with all of our senses lowers blood pressure, soothes anxiety, makes us healthier. Coincidence?!
Moving on....
We found a new place to hike! Sis, Bubs, and I went out this morning to check it out. These kids LOVE to be outside. They love hiking. They love looking at/smelling/trying to pick-while-momma-is-not-looking-flowers. They love rocks. They love running. They love the sunshine. And so do I.
We were walking along a wide open space, so we all walked at our own pace. No need to stay together. Bubs likes to run for awhile and then something like an ant catches his attention and he stops and watches it for awhile saying 'Ant ant ant ant ant' and then finds a rock and tries to pick it up and, usually succeeds no matter the rock is the same size as he is, saying 'BIG BIG BIG rock rock!' He eventually stands up and keeps on running swinging his arms saying 'hike-ing HIKE-ing hike-ing'. He is absolutely happiest when he is outside.
The cows are all in open range now. I know this, I've seen them. We have had to drive along the highway at a crawl because the cows were crossing and grazing along the road. But yet it still surprised me when after Sis had been saying she heard cows, I looked to the left and THERE WAS A COW. 100 feet from us. SO close! And then we heard some pounding hooves and looked to the right and there was another cow running down the hill, thankfully not in our direction. We said hello to the cow and watched it, as it watched us and then we both moved on. We tried to keep out of the cows way. We got to the top of the last hill before descending back down to our car and heard some more moo-ing. We kept walking talking about the cows, and what they say and before too long we notice ALOT of cows up on the ridge of the hill we had just come from. Several calves were in the herd. I started counting. I got to 18 before I wasn't sure what cows I had or hadn't counted yet. They took their time walking across the ridge and we just stood and watch them. Some of them bounded like they thought they were deer, some just mosied.
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| Flowers and Rocks! |
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