Smallness

Out here everything makes me feel small.

Reminds me that I am not the one in charge.

The things I have control of are actually very small, and mostly that is myself.

My small self.

It hadn't rained since May. The air is dry and especially during mid-day, hot. Our plans have never had to be postponed or cancelled because of the weather. We plan to do something and we do it. With a little more or a little less wind. With a little more or a little less clouds. But the sun is always there.
On Saturday we planned an intense adventure. I was going to run pushing Bubs and Sis who now weigh at least 60 lbs. together in the stroller 3.5 miles back out the the ranch. And then run home again.  I have not run with both kids in the stroller in over a year. Once it was not a necessity anymore I stopped doing it, because its not really what I would consider fun. I have run TWICE with just Bubs. It was horrible as well. But I've been training for this half marathon and so I thought I could do it, and I needed a good workout as I wasn't going to have the time for a long run by myself.

I psyched myself up.
I got the Bubs and Sis ready.
I got myself ready.

We walked out the door. The sky was black. And it was roaring. The wind was blowing. And I got excited. It was going to storm!!! We waited outside watching the clouds move and swirl. Listening for the thunder and watching for the lightening until we felt the first drops of rain. We ran inside and within 10 seconds it was pouring. Storming. The house was dark, cool, calm, and quiet as things are during a storm. We stood at the front door and watched. Amazed at this thing so much bigger and so much stronger than us.

Eventually we turned on Finding Nemo to wait out the rain. And then we played in the swimming pool sized puddles the rain left. (which were gone by 5) Splashing, kicking, stomping, walking, and yes, trying to drink it. GROSS. But whereever there is something liquid Bubba will try to get it in his mouth. Even if he has to get down on his belly to do so.

Later that afternoon we made it out to the ranch. It took us 52 min. to go 3.5 miles. The wind was strong. And we were headed right into it. It was so strong, that not only could I NOT run, but I could barely walk. It was pushing me backwards. I think a lot of it had to do with the stroller. We were walking into the sun and the kids wanted the sun visor down, but it caught the wind. So I turned the stroller around and pulled it as I ploughed my way through the wind.

Once there we walked into the corral to meet Sissy. Sissy is Sis's favorite horse. She is white and 'beautiful and a girl!'. We walked slowly and quietly up to her.  And she walked slowly to us, to meet us in the middle. She smelled our friend and Sis first, her mouth and nose on Sis's arm and then her face. It made her giggle. And then Sissy turned her head and offered her shoulder. It was acceptance. 'I know you are here to pet me, and I have checked you out and you can pet me now'. Then it was Bubba's turn to be smelled and then me. And with all of us it was the same. She smelled us so close and then accepted us.

I've never had a lot to do with horses. I didn't grow up around them. But they are such strong regal sensitive creatures. And to have this huge animal come that close to me and then accept me felt magical somehow. So different from dogs who mostly love you no matter who you are.
It felt like we had really communicated something.

Lately Sis has been getting VERY upset when Bubs is singing a song she doesn't like, or saying something she doesn't like or doing ANYTHING she doesn't like. Or when we ask Bubs to do something she feels like she needs to be the enforcer. And most of the time there is no other reason for this except she wants to be in charge. (i.e. It's not hurting her. Or he is in the other room, etc.)

We've been telling her 'Sis, you need to just worry about you. You are only in charge of you. It doesn't matter what Bubba is or is not doing. You take care of yourself'

And as I reflect on the smallness that I feel before the mountains, and the smallness I feel in the face of a storm, and the smallness I feel in the face of a large, strong animal I realize this is true of myself as well.

I am not in charge of anyone or anything else except myself.
I'm so over being in a two bedroom. Everyone says the kids will get used to sharing. MINE DO NOT! They are becoming worse and WORSE sleepers (they were FAB sleepers when they had their own rooms). But I cannot control this.
I can only control me, and my reaction to my 'so-over-it' feelings.
So again today I will choose to be grateful for this place and for its backyard, and its proximity to town and to a park, and that we have an HE washer and dryer! And that it causes us to reexamine our lives almost daily. We only have 800 sq feet. It doesn't take much to feel cramped. What else do we really not need? What could we do with out so we have a little more breathing room?

I recognize this is a daily thing. Everyday I can wake up and choose to grumble about it or choose to accept it and be grateful for it.

At least for today, I let go of the frustrations and hold onto the blessings.